You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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