My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
