Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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