now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize