i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
