I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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