My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
