If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
porn star boner night. come get it.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
