My liver just broke up with me...
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
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Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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