I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
