god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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