Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
