The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
