I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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