He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
