I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
