not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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