I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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