Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
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He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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