i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
