it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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