jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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