Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
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