12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
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no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
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I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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