when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
