when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
