ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
