i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
only if we run a train.
done.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
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