she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
