I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Damn victory sex feels great
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
