Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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