cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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