Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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