I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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