her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
