Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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