Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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