Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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