plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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