My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
