I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
