Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
third nipple confirmed
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
