he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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