Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
