I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Quick, to the slutcave!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
