Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
