i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Randomize
