Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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