I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
