3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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