remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
