i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
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