I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
People in love make me want to vomit
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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