Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
